Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I seem to have left my pride at pride
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Randomize
