I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
