Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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