It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
