I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
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