well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
