Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
