in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
