This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
