I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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