I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
