He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
