I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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