he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
