I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Randomize
