Me. At least after what I've been through.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
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