So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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