Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
