I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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