I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
