You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
