it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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