Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
