He uses pillows to masturbate.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
