Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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