I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
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