chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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