Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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