I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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