This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
