The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
