My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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