i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
