I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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