My pussy is not your playground.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
