this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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