Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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