it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
