Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Randomize
