I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
