Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
