the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
