I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
