Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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