we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
