I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
