I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Randomize
