At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
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