my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
