I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
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Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
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Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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