he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
