Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
