fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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