So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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