i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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