We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
