I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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