ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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